National Beverage Corp loses its fizz, and its mind

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National Beverage Corp, the company famous for LaCroix -- a fizzy flavoured water that graces the fridges of many a tech office -- had a bad quarter.

In the evening hours of Thursday's after-market, National Beverage reported earnings per share of $0.53, versus the $0.78 expected by Wall Street analysts, according to S&P Capital IQ data. So just a 32 per cent difference.

Earnings misses are part and parcel of being a public company, so that wasn't that interesting. What was, however, was the press release that came with the announcement. And, to be precise, management's explanation for both a drop in sales and profit margins.

It's hard to capture the document in its full Word-art glory, so do click here and have a read. But here's the text in case you can't be bothered to open a new tab (with our emphasis):

We are truly sorry for these results stated above. Negligence nor mismanagement nor woeful acts of God were not the reasons – much of this was the result of injustice! Managing a brand is not so different from caring for someone who becomes handicapped. Brands do not see or hear, so they are at the mercy of their owners or care providers who must preserve the dignity and special character that the brand exemplifies. It is important that LaCroix’s true character is not devalued intentionally − in any way. National Beverage Corp. is and will remain the preeminent innovator that adds zest and authenticity to the ‘sparkling water’ phenomenon in North America,” stated Nick A. Caporella, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer.

Additionally, gross margins were impacted by volume declines. Comparisons were further skewed by the adoption of the new tax act in the third quarter of the prior year, which included credits and rate reduction adjustments aggregating $11.3 million. Nothing herein mentioned has detracted from the ultimate value and future of our dynamic company.

There is no greater passion than the kind that creates the wonderful refreshment and contentment described as unique! No doubt, the sound and personality of the word LaCroix, coupled with the awesome experience of its essence and taste . . . is unique. One can be induced to purchase by cheapening price or giving away a product, but falling in love with a feeling of joy is the result of contentment. Just ask any LaCroix consumer . . . Would you trade away that LaLa feeling? ‘No way, they shout – We just love our LaCroix!’ I am positive they respond this way each and every time,” Caporella concluded.

Riiiiiiiiiight.

Last year we took a look at some of the most famous earnings calls from Wall Street history. Althought not quite the same format, we have a feeling this press release may find it's place in the pantheon of all-time bizarre public company interactions.

At pixel, National Beverage's shares were down 13.58 per cent in after-hours trading, to $59.

Related Links:
“Great quarter guys!” - FT Alphaville

  1. WeWrite-down
  2. No deal Brexit is not a hedge fund conspiracy
  3. Europe’s digital infrastructure issue
  4. Let’s give a helping hand to Andrew Yang
  5. Anatomy of a malware scam
  6. ARK Invest’s Tesla model gathers dust
  7. A delirious defence of Uber
  8. WeLiquid: Adam Neumann pockets $700m
  9. Yesterday, in efficient markets
  10. The warm fuzzy feeling of indirectly owning Tencent
  11. The best of Morgan Stanley's Adam Jonas
  12. Apple/Tesla: M&A and heartbreak
  13. Did Beyonce make $300m from Uber's IPO?
  14. Bitcoin is the 10-year Treasury of our time
  15. High resolution music is a solution looking for a problem
  16. Amazon is furious about this negative review
  17. Missing: $500bn of American savings
  18. Blockchain for Brexit: a wonderfully terrible idea
  19. The Bank of Hodlers [sic] (sigh)
  20. Behind the curtain at China Ding Yi Feng
  21. An answer to Mark Cuban's question
  22. Crumbs! It's CRYPTO: the movie!
  23. Amazon won't spin-off Amazon Web Services
  24. Mensch! Dan McCrum is innocent, ok?
  25. Europe's $1 trillion tax gap
  26. Why online propaganda mobs are an investment red flag
  27. Davos has produced an amazing new guide on precisely how not to think about risk
  28. When the public relations industry does PR for itself
  29. Who wants to be crippled by student debt?
  30. The bitcoin price is wrong
  31. The warm fuzzy feeling of Goldman debt
  32. “Cryptoassets” are crashing again. Is it time to start calling them cryptoliabilities instead?
  33. Puff the tragic cryptowagon smokes out the Mumsnet demographic
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  36. Moral investments aren't outperforming
  37. No one is killing it in crypto (not even Woz)
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  41. 'Short-termism' isn't a thing, say Fed economists
  42. Coinbase wants to be “too big to fail”, lol
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  93. It might be a long wait for “the equivalent alternative to ICOs”
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