‘Tis the season for festive levity from analysts.
And fittingly on Friday, while snow drifts gently down in London, and FT Alphaville prepares for its Xmas AVent party, Citi’s annual Christmas carols have just landed in our inbox.
Too cute these — and informative.
Here’s the intro from Citi’s credit team:
Each year, we traditionally inflict the rigours of market discipline on a trio of unsuspecting Christmas carols. We hope these provide a little mirth in the bleak mid-winter (so to speak), and that you’ll take them in the seasonal spirit in which they’re intended.
Best wishes from the entire credit strategy team – and here’s hoping for many happy returns in 2010. Matt, John, Ratul, Hans, Mikhail, Michael, Ed, Jason, Peter, & Divya
Click here for accompanying music: Jingle Bells.
Jingle bells (sub debt remix)
Capital is low
Losses set to rise
Tier 1 ratios
Will need to be revised!Core Tier 1 looks weak
TCE is worse
Bond holders begin to think
They’ll not be reimbursed!CoCo bonds! CoCo bonds!
Lloyds has shown the way:
Contingent convertibles
Are sure to save the day.But who will buy the stuff?
There’s scant security
In bonds which in the rough
Are naught but equity!Maybe if we pay
A nice and juicy spread?
No, ban coupons on Tier 1 -
They’ll soon exchange instead!CoCo bonds! CoCo bonds!
Lloyds has shown the way:
Contingent convertibles
Are sure to save the day.
And here for While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks:
While shepherds watched
While PMs watched their stocks last March
Go crashing to the ground
Bernanke and his angel Tim
Declared the system sound.“Fear not,” said they, for mighty dread
Had seized investors’ minds.
An endless stream of dollar bills
And bailouts we’ve designed.Thus spake Bernanke, and forthwith
Appeared a shining throng:
Economists and strategists
Recommending you go long.The markets soared, liquidity returned
To sceptics’ great surprise;
You even bought the ABX
As home prices did rise.The moral of this story is
In grave financial trouble:
Injecting soap makes things look clean
But beware the coming bubble.
And here for I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas.
White Christmas (as sung by Bing Bernanke)
I’m dreaming of a state pension
Just like the ones I used to know
Deficits need mending
We need to slash spending
Retirement ages now must grow.I’m dreaming of a nice surplus
Just like the good old Clinton years
‘Ere home repossession
Caused a recession
With countless millions in arrears.Wait – I think I have a great solution!
A panacea for troubled times.
Quantitative easing
Should prove crowd pleasing
As asset prices start to rise.I’m dreaming of a fiscal exit
A way to slash the nation’s debt.
A devaluation?
Reduced obligation
With only the foreigners upset!I’m dreaming of a bull market
Inflation still seems far from sight.
May your AUM reach new heights
And may all your Christmases be white.
(H/T FT’s senior markets correspondent Jen Hughes)